New Year, New Hopes?

It's the second day of the new year and already I find myself grappling with all kinds of feelings. Despair, hope, fear, hope... I pray to God that 2010 will be kinder, safer and happier for all. But even as I do that I feel all at once a sense of gloom seeing as how even till the end of 2009 things seemed dark and bleak. But no, I fight against this. I cannot give up. I must not. Quite a ding-dong see-saw... One big battle I know I have to fight alone is my need to let go of old hatreds and anger. A big personal challenge is to really forgive the people I feel do not deserve forgiveness. But if I do that, forgive them openly, I feel it would be good for my soul. But it really takes a big person to do that. Like Min I guess. She did that every night I am told. I must learn to do that. And really mean it. Not lip service. I am not brave enough yet. Nor big enough. I don't yet know how to manage that anger. Am I afraid it would be misconstrued as a sign of weakness? If I were to make the first move? Ego and pride. So destructive, yet I hide behind that, stubborn and defiant. What kind of example am I showing my children? And later my grand-children? Ya Allah, help me please to rest my ghosts. I struggle with myself everyday. In the midst of so many things that are so wrong, help me keep on an even keel. It's so strange when you know exactly what it is you have to do but cannot yet bring yourself to do it. Very much like being in prison and the key is left hanging within reach...