New Year, New Hopes?

It's the second day of the new year and already I find myself grappling with all kinds of feelings. Despair, hope, fear, hope... I pray to God that 2010 will be kinder, safer and happier for all. But even as I do that I feel all at once a sense of gloom seeing as how even till the end of 2009 things seemed dark and bleak. But no, I fight against this. I cannot give up. I must not. Quite a ding-dong see-saw... One big battle I know I have to fight alone is my need to let go of old hatreds and anger. A big personal challenge is to really forgive the people I feel do not deserve forgiveness. But if I do that, forgive them openly, I feel it would be good for my soul. But it really takes a big person to do that. Like Min I guess. She did that every night I am told. I must learn to do that. And really mean it. Not lip service. I am not brave enough yet. Nor big enough. I don't yet know how to manage that anger. Am I afraid it would be misconstrued as a sign of weakness? If I were to make the first move? Ego and pride. So destructive, yet I hide behind that, stubborn and defiant. What kind of example am I showing my children? And later my grand-children? Ya Allah, help me please to rest my ghosts. I struggle with myself everyday. In the midst of so many things that are so wrong, help me keep on an even keel. It's so strange when you know exactly what it is you have to do but cannot yet bring yourself to do it. Very much like being in prison and the key is left hanging within reach...

SAD MAD WORLD

It's only the first week of a new year and already there's so much to grieve. While many of us were fortunate enough to greet 2009 with family and friends in merriment and safety, so many were being butchered and maimed, especially in Gaza. The irony is that now Israel has announced that it will have a three-hour ceasefire everyday to allow for aid to be given to the victims. And there will be some kind of corridor to enable this help to be made possible. I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Or how to feel anymore. This corridor or ceasefire would not be needed in the first place if the killings were to stop immediately. Some say Hamas was stupid to bring it all on the Palestinians. Why provoke the Israelis? Now who is suffering the most? Certainly not all Hamas leaders only. Some say all this is because Israel, backed by its powerful financiers, are still adamant to stay in a country they robbed from the Palestinians. Whatever the politics, is it justified that so many innocent lives are being sacrificed? Why can't so many clever world leaders with their wonderful rhetorics and promises fail to be able to say to each other, let's stop the killings? Surely there must be more peaceful ways to solve problems? In the face of all the carnage, many can still declare on television that the killings will go on because of this reason or another. Surely dear God, there cannot be ANY reason for this cruelties? We are human beings. People of the Book. Can't we look for alternatives to settle our differences? Has life become so cheap? Why have our leaders failed us? What are they waiting for? A global apocalypse? Dear Allah, save our souls. Let the leaders come to their senses!

DANCING FOR CHARITY

Last year, the producer of Astro's Sehati Berdansa asked if my husband and I would consent to participate in the programme. I told her she was mad! At 53 I was not upto breaking my bones and having the whole nation laugh at a couple of old fogies trying to keep up with the young ones at hip hop and jaipong! She asked again this year and again the voice of reason spoke louder than the voice of suicide! But dance for charity my husband and I did last night in Penang to help raise funds for I believe abused young women. Yes I was a ronggeng girl, and hubby was a gallant and gagah wira Melayu resplendent in baju Melayu joget-ting away to our hearts' content. It was fun and we are glad we didn't turn down "mamasan" Zaiton Crockford's request. Another celebrated pertsonality Marina Mahathir also consented to be a ronggeng girl. She was gorgeous in her red kebaya and I am sure added much to the collection. The rich and generous Penangites and expatriates also did not disappoint. My girls would have loved to be part of Ton's entourage but they were all working. Yes, even the 13-year-old! Insyallah, if there is another similar fund-raiser, and with Ton there will be many many more, Syed Rashid's girls will be there in full force!! Till then, my dancing shoes will be safely stored away...

My Birthday

I'm 53! Compared to some really disastrous birthdays I've had in the past, this year's was lovely. I had all my babies with me, hubby and son in law. Dinner was at a seafood restaurant that has yet to disappoint us. I had lovely presents but the best was to have all of them make time for me. It was stress-free and seeing my family relaxed and not at each other's throats for the few hours was bliss. Then the two older girls and I watched Sex and the City the movie in Nani's room. Not really the kind of movie a mum sits down to watch with her daughters, what with the raunchy nudity and all, but then again, why not? I actually enjoyed the movie and the issues so sensitively dealt with. They have some great scriptwriters and I now know why many of my girlfriends, and daughters, are diehard fans of the series. I actually celebrated my birthday a few days earlier this year when old friends surprised me with a birthday cake at a Hari Raya gathering. Seeing them again reminded me of how much I missed them. Of course, Ma and Da's call made my day too. Leya told me that many have posted birthday greetings on FB too. Will check in a while as I've been too busy to log on. Many have also sms'd their wishes and I feel truly blessed. Truly life is a rollercoaster. I am thankful for the calms. Shukur Alhamdulilah. And thank God for my family. Enja, AniAni, Tate, Buns, Ashrafee and Chaid, thank you. Love you all.

She's 15!

My lovely number three, Aleysha, will be 15 tomorrow! My how time flies. I still remember this sad looking mournful face the day she was born. Her papa called her 'my tomato face' because she was just all red. Tate or Weydate as he calls her now is a little lady. The quietest of my four girls, she's easily the deepest. But don't ley her quiet demeanor deceive you. There's a lot of fire and passion in her. She doesn't speak much but when she does, omigod. Even her elder sisters surrender!

She loves music (sings in a band), books, animals, movies, writes the most clever and exquisite poems, and hasn't quite decided I think if she's Goth or Emo. She has this tempestuous love-hate relationship with her younger sister Yana (Buns) and although says in her almost monotone (much like Nani then) that she "hates my life", "life sucks" "I'm bored" is so full of life.

She is a joy, like her sisters, and I cannot imagine life without all of them. I thank God everyday for them. I keep saying, especially when I get horribly depressed, that if nothing else, at least I did right by having them. Tate wants a guitar and I think her papa although he grumbles at how much that would cost will get her one. She also wants a scooter, laptop and a 'canggih' phone. I say good luck! But really because she so rarely asks for anything (I don't want you to spend so much, ma), we have a tendency to give her almost what she asks for, within limit.

So Tate my darling, Happy 15th birthday, and mama, papa, Kak Leya, Kak Nani and Buns, including your Tok Aling, Tok Wan, Tok Antai, aunties, uncles, cousins and friends all pray for your happiness, health and overall well-being. Wuf you lots Tate-a-Bate, Theita Da Bush my little 'old lady'.

Still Fab at 50!

I just got back from a surprise 50th birthday party for Amy of Search. Organised by his lovely wife Norish together with Ritta and gang, the gathering saw a reunion of sorts for people in the music industry, old friends and the media. It was lovely to see and feel the love and respect we all have for him and his band of brothers. Together with the biggies like M. Nasir, Ramli MS, the late Loloq, Ali and Aziz Bakar, Amy and his rock buddies have given us some fantastic music that even today sound as fresh and exciting. His name doesn't just stand for music. It stands for endurance, perseverance, fire and passion, never-say-die. In this sad times when people can be hateful and hurtful I'm glad I was witness to so much love and mutual respect. Elegance and grace. Amy, you, Norish and your lovely daughter Nabila are that and more. Despite what people say. Thank you for the music, and much much more. Getting late. Will post more, insyallah, soon.
P.S.
The night was made so much more memorable with dearest Bee, Cik Ya and Dee. It's been ages since we got together. Muah!

I am horrified and incensed! My 11-year-old just told me that her ustazah had said that whatever she and her friends touched would be haram. All because she saw them chatting with boys! And mind you, these were all 11-12 year olds who have known each other since they were 7 years old. Seems she had told them girls must never talk and mix with boys. Now what century did she just crawl out from? Given the precocious nature of our very intelligent 11-year-olds, they sniggered that ustazah did not practise what she preached when she got pregnant year after year! Unless you're talking about the immaculate conception (and heaven help us we cannot talk about that, we're Muslims!), naughty ustazah must like her little romps in the haystack. But then again she'd put it down to being the dutiful little wifey who cannot say no. I's not into teacher-bashing. God knows I have many fond memories of the many teachers who I'll eternally be indebted to. There're also a few of my childrens' teachers who we respect for their dedication, wisdom and sincerity. But the types like the obviously misguided ustazah and her very damaging remarks deserve a swift transfer to the north pole. Then again, maybe there are already a few there blowing off their hot air... The said ustazah has my daughter to thank for my not marching to school to confront her for her very un-Islamic self-proclaimed-God remarks. "You'll just be wasting your time lah ma" she said. "Besides you said to turn a deaf ear to stupid people and their stupid remarks." Common sense from a child. I'm still incensed!